As I busied myself in the kitchen this morning, mixing up a batch of pumpkin pancakes waiting for my husband and son to return from a special outing together, I found myself smiling and feeling joyful. I began to think about how serving my family by cooking, cleaning, nurturing them, and just plain being a mom makes me feel truly happy. It's not always fun, but most of the time it comes naturally and easy to me.
But, then I thought about all the things I want to do beyond that. Things I don't feel I'm capable of doing in my current state, but wish the Lord would gift me with. Places I want to go and groups of people I want to help. Things I know the Lord has either told me to wait on or that it's not where he wants me to be. Sometimes I know my heart comes before the Lord like a 3 year old stamping my feet and demanding to know why I can't be all the things I want to be.
But God knows why, and that's enough.
Time after time I've thought about how David longed to build the temple for the Lord, the place God would dwell, but God said no. Because David was a warrior and had shed blood he could not build this sacred place. God reserved the task for Solomon and he completed this work. How much do you think David's heart ached and longed to bring his dream to life?
There is a dream I have hidden away in my heart. It's the dream to build my family through adoption. It's not one I talk about to many people. It's something I've spent a lot of time in prayer about. Through being unable to adopt myself, right now, God has moved me to help others in their adoptions. To talk to my kids and make them aware that not every kid has a mommy and a daddy, to tell them about orphans and how we are to attend to their needs.
Recently my oldest son approached me with something to say. This boy of mine has been set on getting married for quite some time now. He insists at 5 he is old enough. This day he wanted to tell me how many children he wanted. "Mommy I'm going to have 4 children, one will look like me, one will have brown skin..." I looked and listened to him thinking how funny this sounded, but then it occurred to me- What if it's not me who is meant to adopt but my son? What if this issue that breaks my heart wide open enough to make it known to my children, is growing his heart for a future task.
Through things I've seen and prayers that have been answered I have a strong feeling our family will grow with time. But as I wait, unpatiently or patiently, the Lord breaks and mends my heart. Growing me and moving me in His perfect plan. Just as I find contentment in simply serving my family, I must be content in the simple ways to serve others and be content waiting on the Lord.
I've been working my way through the Old Testament, a part of the bible I've always struggled to read. I'd hoped that it might have gotten easier to read as I've gotten older and the answer is still no. Throw kids and a home to manage into the scenario and sometimes the focus one needs to read the Old Testament is hard to find. I recently made it through the Chronicles and now I'm reading Ezra. I really enjoy the latter books in the Old Testament because they are filled with such praise for God (Psalms), with wisdom (Proverbs), and all the miraculous fortellings through the prophets, of Jesus who was to come.
But sometimes I just need to connect with my Jesus. This world and all it's problems, all my own problems, can just get me down and I find myself no longer treading water, but being pulled down beneath the surface.
I reach out and grab for his hand. Lift me up Jesus! I reopen the New Testament and find comfort in the words written in red. Today I found my comfort in the gospel of John. I've often felt like an outcast in my life. Growing up in school I found it hard to make friends and even the friends I had were friends who would tear me down. I was bullied in gradeschool everyday from grades 1-6. And as I move to a no appologies kind of girl when it comes to my love and dedication to Jesus I see a lot more people leave my life or, sometimes, maliciously seek to hurt me.
Here is my journal excerpt from today:
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first."
-It is hard to remember, sometimes, that everthing we go through Jesus also experienced. He knows rejection, sorrow, frustration, and ultimate betrayel by the people he came to save.
"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as it's own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you."
"I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy."
" So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice and no one will take away your joy."
My soul wishes it could have heard Jesus speak these words directly to me. To know the feel of his embrace as he reassures me with these verses. I can only imagine holding onto his hand believing with all my heart in the truth of his words. And as he lets go for just a moment I turn and keep running this race, my soul encourage, yet still mourning for the time I remain here and stay physically apart from my King.
Your Kingdom Come, Your Work Be Done on Earth As It Is In Heaven.